My journey in understanding menopause…..as a man!
Throughout my time of learning and understanding about Mental Health and the years of delivering MHFAid and other training I became very aware during that time of an area I really needed to improve personally. I have struggled to listen in the past. By that I mean really listen. Listen to understand, listening without moving to respond or solve or come up with a host of potential answers or solutions. When I am in Training mode I can do it, but when it’s personal I struggle.
This is really evident when it comes to menopause. As a man I have to admit I struggle when it comes to talking about women’s cycles, periods, hormones, changes etc. I don’t think I am alone as man in that feeling of uncomfortableness. However recent conversations with my wife did get me to thinking to be a better support do I really need to know the ins and outs of a woman’s body to be a better husband? What is it exactly that I do need to know and understand about what is going on for her so that I feel comfortable and can be a better support? What does she need from me? I know some people may think I should get over myself and stop being so fragile and that is fine, however often that uncomfortableness comes from a place of uncertainty, lack of knowledge and understanding and at times as men we really can feel like men are from Mars and women are from Venus and how could I possibly even try to understand!
I went on a few menopause training sessions and it did give me more information however I have to be honest I didn’t feel comfortable in them and I didn’t feel the content equipped me with the tools to be a better support. I felt nervous to ask questions for fear of ridicule at times. What I did learn through my own thoughts and perceptions was that how I respond as a man has a huge impact on others in the household and in the workplace going through meaupause. I do need to know the basics, I need to know how it affects the female, how they feel and the impact it can them. The list of potential symptoms in itself is mind-blowing and women themselves can struggle to identify or understand what is happening to them. No wonder men therefore struggle to understand too when it can feel very unclear, but what I can say is, knowing that in itself is helpful.
So I thought, what can I do? I don’t have the answers, I cannot fix this, I am helpless? Right? Wrong! I am not helpless, there are things I can do and this is where I thought about how just understanding and listening can really help. How my natural tendency to make a joke of things won’t help (well sometimes it might but rarely!) I need to be empathetic, I need to show that I understand, I need to say things to be helpful, not just to lighten the mood or brush past it like it’ll ‘just get better in time’.
So this is what I thought, learn the basics……..get an overview of the potential symptoms females have when they are going through peri-menopause and menopause. This is a period of significant change for a woman, this is the point when their body is telling them they cannot have children anymore, it’s really a big chapter change and they can’t do anything to stop that.. They haven’t just flicked off a switch, they haven’t chosen this and it can come at anytime. I thought about how they must feel, if they feel less of a woman, if they feel their purpose has been stolen from them. What if they had decided late on that they did want children but now they can’t? Will they have feelings of regret that they didn’t do it earlier? They may have met somebody later in life but were unable to have children. I thought about how I would react if something like that had been taken away from me and it wasn’t a joke anymore, it wasn’t something I could use humour to mask how somebody felt. I thought about the times I used humour without really truly listening to the person.
I then thought about the symptoms I had been told about, hot flushes, sleep disturbances, mood swings, fatigue, urine infections, weight gain the list goes on (yes there are others things going on I am still to shy to write about) All of these things if it was an illness and I could take a course of medication and then be free of it would make it easier but there isn’t.
So what can I do? The most important thing for me is to listen, without judgement, without taking things personally, without trying to have the answers, not making a joke of it to make the other person smile. As I have shared listening can be tough for me but I had to make an effort, I needed a tactic to do this. I likened it to playing football or running, to get the best result, the best time in running I needed a plan, a thought process so my mind wouldn’t jump straight to ‘Well if you do this, this and this you will be ok?’
As well as changing my approach it inspired me to write a workshop sharing my learning called ‘What men need to understand about menopause.’ It highlights the basics on menopause but dives into the impact our reactions as men can have an impact, not just at home but in the workplace. We share ideas on how to approach creating change in the workplace to enable females going through menopause to thrive.
If you would like to learn more about this contact me on andrew@thrive-together.co.uk